Question: Hi Emma: I have a girlfriend who had a terrible Father figure who was very mean to her while she was growing up. He would throw things and have fits and would be very violent if things didn't go right. Every once in awhile she seems to act like her father and it brings on a lot of arguing and just like how her father was, there is no compromising when she gets in that mode. What do I do?
B. from Michigan
Are you saying that she is violent with property or physically assaultive? Any amount of physical violence should definitely not be tolerated. If you plan on any future with her that could include children, she will need to get a handle on her anger. People respond to disappointment and frustration in different ways. If she lived in a vacuum with no outside contact, her anger and frustration could be thought of as appropriate in her own world. If she wants to tear up her own property and then deal with the natural consequences of cleaning it up, that’s her prerogative.
When we make the decision to invite people in to our own weird little worlds, we are responsible for how we interface and connect within that content. That being said, you are responsible for your own participation in continuing the dysfunction. It is definitely true that it takes two people to engage in an argument. If you don’t trust Emma’s insight on this, stay completely quiet when your girlfriend attempts to engage you in an argument. Pretty quickly, it becomes apparent that it is not an argument, but a tirade. It is helpful to know that these are skills that she has been taught in how to deal with problems, but the most important point is that she is now an adult.
With that comes the freedom to agree or disagree with the craziness that we learn as kids. When we figure out that our parents were human beings too with their own faults, we need to use our own experiences to filter out what is useful and what does us more harm than good. That is the expectation of being an adult. If this weren’t true, we would all still expect to fall of the face of the planet when we got to the end of it. You also have the responsibility as an adult to determine who you want to accept into your own world. Who helps to make you a better person and who seems to be latched on to your leg trying to hold you down with all of their weight? Shake them off and continuing stepping as you make your way to where you want to be.
